This feeling hasn't come around as often as it used to. Maybe it's because I have Daniel now, maybe it's because I haven't allowed time for it, maybe it's because... I've gone to bed with a list of things to do for the next day. I've purposefully avoided films and songs that invited that feeling. I've engraved it into my being that I didn't need it. I've read books on why it never works. I've held on to examples around me of the headache it causes.
But for some reason it has hit me tonight. It hit so hard, I can't sleep. I can't sleep, because I don't understand why I don't have it. I can't sleep because, I should want for nothing. Yet I yearn for this. I see it all around me and though my heart finds comfort in the bond I have with my son, my siblings, my parents and my friends...I find myself this night, wishing for a love of my very own.
I will wake up tomorrow morning to the smiling, sleepy face of a six-year-old and I will be thankful for the love I've been blessed with. I will forget this feeling; I will tuck it away, bury it deep and fight it off with a sword. But tonight, I think I'll indulge. Tonight, I’ll put down the shield. Tonight, I’ll listen to Seabird on repeat. Tonight, I think I'll cry myself to sleep and mourn what I don't have. I will allow it just tonight.
Here's to happier nights.